Best jokes of the week. Dr. Fauci. Pandas. "Cuomosexual." Paper towels. Easter/ Passover redux. Trump's seder. An Italian foretells our future.
LETTY COTTIN POGREBIN. NEWSLETTER #71 APRIL 15, 2020
No introduction necessary, except to note that at sundown tomorrow, this year's pandemic Passover will come to an end. I hope my Jewish readers were able to celebrate remotely with family and friends and everyone who's been avoiding chametz will indulge in a big bowl of pasta and a piece of cake.
BEST IMAGE OF THE WEEK
BEST SIGN OF THE WEEK
POST EASTER HUMOR
* Donald Trump goes on a fact-finding visit to Israel. While touring Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and dies. The undertaker tells the American diplomats accompanying him: "We can ship his body home for $50,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land, for just $100.”
The American diplomats go outside to discuss the options and soon return with their answer. "We'll have him shipped home." The undertaker is puzzled. "Why would you spend $50,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100?”
The American diplomats reply, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We can't take that risk."
* Leftover from Christmas
WORDS FAIL
* Michael Specter in The New Yorker: "How Anthony Fauci Became America's Doctor"
* Calling all "Cuomosexuals." A paean to NY's Governor from Randy Rainbow.
* When Hong Kong zoo closes for Corona, pandas mate successfully for first time in 10 years.
"Finally, some privacy."
PASSOVER P.S.
* Awesome dancers tell the Exodus story in silhouette. Don't miss this remarkable video.
* Typical 2020 seder plate
* Why no locusts?
* Robin Williams summarizes the Passover story in one minute.
* A 91-year-old grandmother reveals her secret recipes to her granddaughter, including the unexpected ingredients in her legendary matzah ball soup. Listen to "The Daily" here.
* Someone taped Trump's remarks at his putative White House seder.
Welcome to this very special dinner. Tonight Jews observe Passover, otherwise known as the Festival of Lights, the celebration of the Jewish New Year that started when the Hebrews left Egypt. Though I am not Jewish, I actually know more about Judaism than almost anyone. My daughter Ivanka’s in-laws, the Kushners, who are super-Jewish, told me that they are amazed at how much I know, that I even know more than their Rabbi, which is saying something.
To begin with, let’s all put on these little beanies, which are called “chutzpahs”, and are worn to remind the Jews that when they were slaves in Egypt, they couldn’t afford proper hats, not even brims on hats. Now, of course, they can afford hats and lots more, but no one really wears hats anymore.
We eat tonight from a Cedar plate, which apparently in ancient times was made out of wood, from the famous Cedars of Lebanon. Today, of course, we eat off of fine china, just like the incredibly gorgeous plate ware that you will find at all Trump hotels and resorts. And why do we have to call it china? Let’s give it a better name – like “America”.
On the Cedar plate are all sorts of strange things. A bone, to remind us that if God had not given us bones, we would just be flopping around like jellyfish. A bowl of salt water, and some greens you dip in the saltwater, to remind us that life is best when you have greens by salt water, just like the golf course at my fabulous Mar A Lago. There's horseradish, but no prime rib to put it on, which I don’t get. There is a hard boiled egg, to remind us of the chickens that the Jews had to leave behind when they left Egypt. Which was really tough, because they couldn’t make chicken soup, which as you know is a basic part of the Jewish diet and kept the Jews healthy during their servitude in Egypt.
The plate also has giant crackers called “matzah”. Funny word. "Matzah." Anyway, God told the Jews they had to leave Egypt so fast they couldn’t take time to make proper bread, so all they could prepare were these big crackers. There's also some chopped up apples and nuts mixed with wine that you spread on your crackers to remind you that the Jews were slaves and did not have proper desserts like crème brulee or Key Lime pie, so had to settle for nut mush.
Moses was the guy who worked with God to get the Jews out of Egypt. They say he was a Jew but he was raised by Egyptians, and there was no birth certificate. There’s some cockamamie story about him being put in basket and dropped in the river, where he was found by some Egyptian princess, but who would believe such a fairy tale? Where is the proof that Moses was a Jew? It’s fake news.
In any event, Moses goes to Pharaoh, and asks him to let the Jews leave Egypt. Pharaoh is going to grant the request when God HARDENS HIS HEART! How unfair is that? Pharaoh – who otherwise seems to be a great, great guy, who kept unemployment low -- gets a bad rap, but it’s really GOD who is keeping the Jews in Egypt! Only the lamestream media makes Pharaoh the villain and God the hero. The more things change, the more they stay the same.
So God sends plagues to torment the Egyptians. Like pestilence and boils. Those I get. But frogs?What kind of plague is that? We wouldn’t be sheltering at home right now if there were lots of frogs hopping around, would we? In the end, God kills all the first born Egyptians but the Jews are spared because they take hydroxychloroquine. At that point, God is winning bigly. Also, it’s worth noting that the service involves washing hands at the table, to remind us that even back then the Jews knew that washing hands was important to avoid getting plagues.
After the tenth plague, the Jews are allowed to leave Egypt – which was huge -- but they get to the Red Sea, which they can’t cross because everyone knows Jews are lousy sailors. So Moses parts the Sea, and the Jews cross over, and on the way they gather food from the muddy bed of the Red Sea, in the form of a very terrible tasting fish called “gefilte” which we eat tonight to remind us of how lousy the food was that the Jews had to consume. At that point, just when the Jews think they have it made, Pharaoh changes his mind and comes after them, but God and Moses stop parting the sea and the Pharaoh’s army gets drowned, which is why the Arabs and the Israelis don’t like each other to this very day.
The Jews then give thanks to God, who rewards them by letting them wander aimlessly through the desert for 40 years, corresponding to the 40 days of Lent when Catholics stop eating good food like the Jews were forced to do in the desert. Also, at this stage of the service, we now spin a top, called a dreidel, which has letters on each of its four sides standing for “a great miracle happened there” to remind us of the miracle of the sea parting. And let me just say, if Pharaoh had built himself a big, beautiful wall instead of relying on the Red Sea to keep people from crossing the border, the Jews would probably still be slaves in Egypt.
On Passover, there are four sons. One evil, one simple, one wise, and one who doesn’t yet know how to ask. Sort of like Eric, Donald, Jr., Jared and Barron. They ask four questions. I won’t bother with that, because the questions are probably stupid and just asked to try and make me look bad.
You get to drink several glasses of wine tonight, but unfortunately it’s some horrible kosher stuff that no one would drink if they didn’t have to do so for the holiday. And you have to leave a glass of wine for an invisible man to drink, who never comes, by the way, and the wine goes to waste.
We could also sing some songs. Or not. I haven’t decided yet, it could go either way. There’s one about a baby goat. And one about the invisible man. But believe me, they are not so great
There’s lots of praising God, and his mighty hand and outstretched arm, as if we didn’t all know that God is very strong and tough, like me. Very strong and tough. But do you see anyone praising my mighty hand and outstretched arm? Or the fire and fury I can unleash? No. So wrong. So wrong.
Now we reach the end of the seder service, and anyone who wants to can search for a broken piece of matzah I hid. And if you find it, I’ll give you a dollar, which is all that’s allowed, because even on a holiday you can’t get Jews to part with more than a dollar. Well, that’s Passover. Now let’s finish so we can order in a decent meal. Hallelujah!
* And finally. . .
CORONA UPDATE
* An Italian woman sent this letter to France a month ago. Now it's America's future:
"I am writing to you from Italy, so I am writing to you from your future. We are now where you will be in a few days. The curves of the epidemic show us embraced in a parallel dance in which we find ourselves a few steps ahead of you on the timeline, just as Wuhan was compared to us a few weeks ago.
We see that you behave as we have behaved. You have the same discussions that we had a short time ago, between those who still say "all of this for just the flu," and those who have already understood.
From here, from your future, we know, for example, that when they tell you to stay confined to your home, some will quote Foucault, then Hobbes. But soon you will have other things to do.
Mostly, you will eat. And not just because cooking is one of the few things you can do. Groups will appear on social networks suggesting how to spend your time productively; you will subscribe to them all, and after a few days you won't be able to take it anymore.
You'll pull out The Plague by Camus, but won't really feel like reading it.
You will eat again.
You will sleep poorly.
You will wonder about the future of democracy.
You will have an irresistible social life, between aperitifs on instant messaging, group meetings on Zoom, dinners on Skype.
You will miss your grown-up children like never before, and you will have an awful feeling in your stomach when you realize that, for the first time since they left home, you have no idea when you will see them again.
Old disputes and antipathies will seem unimportant. You will call people you swore you'd never see again to ask how they're doing.
Many women will be battered in their homes.
You will wonder how it is for those who cannot stay at home because they do not have a home. You will feel unsafe when you go shopping in empty streets, especially if you are a woman.
You will wonder if this is how societies collapse, if it really happens this quickly; you will tell yourself not to have such thoughts.
You will go home, and you will eat.
You will gain weight.
You will search the Internet for fitness videos.
You will laugh, you will laugh a lot. The humour will come out dark, sarcastic, depressing. Even those who always take everything seriously will be fully aware of the absurdity of life.
You will arrange to meet friends in the lines outside stores, to see them in person - but at a safe distance.
You will become aware of everything you don't need.
The true nature of the people around you will be revealed: some will surprise you, others won't. Intellectuals who had until yesterday pontificated on everything will have nothing to say and disappear from the media; some will take refuge in intelligent abstractions, but lacking the least bit of empathy, so you will stop listening to them. On the other hand, people you had underestimated will prove to be pragmatic, reassuring, solid, generous, clairvoyant.
Those who present this as an opportunity for planetary rebirth will broaden your perspective, but will annoy you as well: yes, the planet is breathing thanks to reduced CO2 emissions, but, at the end of the month, how are you going to pay your gas and electricity bills?
You won't understand if witnessing the world of the future is something grand or awful.
You will make music on your balconies. When you watched videos of us singing opera, you thought “Ah! Italians!”, but we know that you too will sing the Marseillaise. And when you too start belting out "I will survive", we will watch you, understandingly, just as the people in Wuhan, who sang on their balconies in February, watched us.
Many will fall asleep swearing that the first thing they'll do when they get out will be to get a divorce.
Many children will be conceived.
Your children will take classes on-line, and will be unbearable.
The elderly will defy you, like teenagers; you will have to argue with them to prevent from going outside, catching the virus, and dying.
You will try not to think about those who are dying alone in the hospitals. You will want to throw roses at health care workers.
You will hear that society is united in a common effort, and that you are all in this together. It will be true. This experience will forever change your perception of people.
But social class makes a difference. Being stuck in a house with a patio and a garden is not the same as being stuck in over-crowded public housing. And being able to work from home is not the same as losing one's job. The "same boat" in which you all travel to fight the epidemic will not be the same for all, because it isn't and has never been.
At some point, you will realize that all of this is really hard. You will be afraid. You will talk about your fears to those who are close to you, or you will keep your anxiety to yourself, so that they will not have to bear it.
You will eat again.
This is what we are telling you from Italy about your future. But it is a prophecy of just a few days around the corner. If we look to the distant future, the one unknown to you and unknown to us, then we can tell you only one thing: when everything is finished, the world will no longer be what it was.
© Francesca Melandri - Published in Liberation on March 19, 2020 - Translated from French by Google Translate and a human
* Speaking of the future, at the rate I'm cooking and eating, this is mine:
HOW TO HELP
* Make noise at 7 PM, make a difference now. Support meal delivery for health care workers in the ICU and other departments at Bellevue Hospital. Celia Keenan-Bolger, Victoria Myers & Gideon Glick launched #BroadwayFeedsBellevue on April 3rd and raised over 80K in the first week, partnering with local restaurants (Westville, Village Den, Taim, and Rubys) who make the deliveries. Their goal is $200K so they can feed the cleaning, maintenance and security workers as well. I contributed $100. Please donate.
Stay safe. Stay strong. Stay home. -- Letty
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